Intergenerational trauma is the gene you inherited but you didn’t ask for. It’s the insidious and unwelcome visitor that enters your life at an early age, stays put, and always has the worst input on several aspects of your life. It stunts growth, happiness, and well-being.
Intergenerational trauma is not merely a concept but is rooted in our very own physiology. It affects our stress levels resulting in anxiety that pervades all facets of our lives: school, career, relationships, spirituality, etc. Trauma impacts the way we eat, sleep, exercise, and even breathe. It is present in our forefathers and mothers and it will perpetuate to our great grandchildren if it is not broken.
Speaking from the perspective of an Arab Muslim woman who is the child of immigrants and has grown up in an Islamophobic setting, breaking intergenerational trauma is no small feat. It isn’t simply going to therapy; it’s also recognizing the pain that our loved ones have perpetuated onto us. That realization can be a deafening blow because it reveals the culpability that our loves ones have in our trauma. Breaking the cycle is setting boundaries, saying no to toxic expectations, and choosing to step into your own light and not the dimmed one others make for you.
At times, intergenerational trauma is posited as a rite of passage. “I suffered, therefore you must suffer as well.” This supposedly builds character and endurance and teach us how to be “strong” in life. However, this rite of passage becomes a fast track for trauma being wired into our brains, where we eventually don’t know what life would be like without the trauma.
So how have I broken the intergenerational transmission of trauma? I’ve learned from it. And I’ve also been put through the wringer for it. I observed what trauma did to those before me and how it stemmed life for them. I felt the pain — physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually — of what life had dealt them and then how they perpetuated it on to me. But the learning I did from that trauma was not peaceful and calm reflection, yet, it was experiencing my own pain and hurt that made me realize that I deserved a better life than the one dictated by the trauma of those before me. It has been a grueling task to peel away from under the shadows of this trauma because there are countless factors that will coax and even force you back in such as being guilt tripped repeatedly by loved ones for fashioning your own path. Therefore, I am here to stay that standing in your own light is not as quick or lovely as movies may depict it to be. It is not in the big breaking moments but it is actually in the small instances where you say “no” to those you love in times where their trauma is dictating your life outcomes. Those are the small instances to be celebrated for each of those steps continues to demolish the intergenerational cycle of trauma in one’s life. A tiny thousand breaks will lead to that ultimate break and each of those tiny breaks will be difficult and painful but a huge step in building an alternative life for yourself.
Regardless of what progress you’ve made in your life to break the intergenerational cycle of trauma, I am here to say that you are more than that. We are our own entities who deserve a life that we can dictate. Choosing to do so is not selfish nor does it mean that you don’t love the ones that are culpable in your pain. It only means that you know and are choosing a better life for yourself and ultimately for them when they one day realize that the cycle of trauma has ended with them. They may not realize the favor you are doing for them and that’s okay. But you deserve to recognize your strength and power when you broke away from that trauma. It is a gene that you inherited but you are excising from your life. And I am here to say that I have successfully excised from my life and now live in my own light.
